Research on how cultural influences, combined with common worries, give Pakistani couples a distinct experience when it comes to premarital jitters!
By Syeda Ansa Subazwari
Pakistani weddings are vibrant celebrations filled with colours, energy, and rich traditions that honour the union of two individuals. The scene is often set with dazzling lights and elaborate decorations, with a bride clad in scarlet and emerald, embodying both excitement and nerves. However, beneath this festive atmosphere lies a significant reality: premarital anxiety. This anxiety is more than just pre-wedding jitters; it is a natural response to the major life transition that marriage entails.
Premarital anxiety is a globally recognised psychological condition, presenting itself as anticipatory anxiety. It encompasses psychological symptoms, such as intrusive thoughts and feelings of worry and fear, alongside physical symptoms like sweating and heart palpitations. Psychologists Carol Diener and Robert Diener explain that these fears are rooted in the body’s natural stress response to change and the unpredictability surrounding significant life events. Couples often experience the sensation of stepping into a new chapter, and leaving behind their old selves, which amplifies anxiety. Studies suggest that approximately 80% of American couples report feeling anxious before marriage, revealing the universal nature of this experience across cultures.
Cultural norms influence the specific concerns couples may face, even when the underlying fears remain similar. For example, Egyptian couples exhibit higher anxiety levels linked to family approval and societal expectations than American couples, showcasing how cultural contexts shape pre-wedding fears. In Pakistan, the tradition of arranged marriages, which has its roots in the Mughal era, introduces unique challenges. Couples typically have limited opportunities to get to know one another before marriage, raising compatibility concerns. This fear of the unknown, coupled with worries about establishing an emotionally fulfilling relationship, compounds anxiety. Questions regarding mutual understanding and support amid societal pressures regarding educational backgrounds and family status can further intensify these worries. Sociologist Afiya Zia notes that arranged marriages can feel more like social contracts than genuine emotional unions, complicating the couples’ ability to forge authentic connections.
The societal emphasis on extravagant weddings significantly contributes to premarital anxiety. The financial strain of hosting lavish ceremonies can be overwhelming for couples and their families. Men, in particular, may feel this pressure acutely, as they are traditionally viewed as providers expected to uphold social standards through elaborate celebrations. Social scientist Roy Baumeister’s self-regulation theory illustrates how this pressure can lead to heightened anxiety, especially for men concerned about financial comparisons with their fathers.
Premarital anxiety manifests differently for men and women in Pakistan. Men grapple with financial pressures and familial expectations, while women often worry about emotional compatibility, potential power imbalances, and adapting to new family dynamics. For women who have enjoyed independence before marriage, the fear of losing that autonomy can exacerbate their apprehensions. Sociologist Leila Ahmed discusses how societal expectations shape women’s experiences, emphasising the difficulties they face in asserting themselves within a new family structure.
To navigate these challenges, recognising fears and fostering open communication is essential. Encouraging dialogue about anxieties allows couples to approach marriage with greater confidence and understanding. However, cultural expectations around premarital communication can heighten anxiety, as social norms often inhibit open conversations. Communication expert Judee Burgoon highlights that couples in arranged marriages may feel apprehensive about discussing their concerns due to these cultural constraints. Doubts about being understood or facing negative judgments can prevent honest discussions.
Despite these challenges, couples can seek alternative methods to address their anxieties. Burgoon’s research underscores the importance of open dialogue for healthy relationships, suggesting that couples approach trusted family members or religious leaders for guidance on discussing expectations and fears. Such mediated conversations can facilitate more open communication within their social circles.
Research shows that even short premarital counselling sessions can provide couples with coping strategies and communication skills. In the absence of professional counselling, online resources or workshops focusing on communication skills can serve as effective alternatives. By shifting focus away from extravagant ceremonies to the emotional significance of their union, couples can establish reasonable expectations that prioritise meaningful traditions over ostentatious displays.
Focusing on shared values and goals is crucial, particularly in arranged marriages where premarital communication may be limited. By being open about their values, aspirations, and long-term plans, couples can build trust and find common ground, fostering a sense of partnership that guides their marriage. Honest discussions about beliefs and future goals help strengthen their bond and lay a solid foundation for their future together.
Traditional gender roles can further complicate premarital anxiety in arranged marriages. Couples can challenge these stereotypes by discussing shared responsibilities and decision-making, which can lead to more egalitarian relationships and greater marital satisfaction. Empowering women through education and open dialogue allows them to adapt to married life and advocate for themselves within their families. Research indicates that empowering women contributes to stronger, more fulfilling marriages. By promoting open communication and supporting women’s empowerment, couples can work towards a more equitable partnership, alleviating anxieties and establishing a robust foundation for their future together.
Succinctly, couples entering arranged marriages often face significant unspoken anxieties due to cultural constraints, elaborate ceremonies, and gender roles. However, by fostering open communication, prioritising meaningful customs, and empowering women, couples can effectively navigate these challenges, embarking on a journey filled with love, understanding, and a strong foundation for a lasting union. – The author is a student of the Beaconhouse National University, Lahore.
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